


Do I look like a dick?

by germanpsychiatrist



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at, Bisexual Eggsy Unwin, Coming Out, Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, I'm aware that Tilde is ooc but I needed her that way to fix everything, Idiots in Love, Kingsman: The Golden Circle Spoilers, M/M, Marriage, Weddings, and a lil bit of angst, appraisal of suits, im ashamed of posting it, its literally based on my own stupid joke, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/germanpsychiatrist/pseuds/germanpsychiatrist
Summary: What if Harry responded somewhat differently to Eggsy's question at the wedding?





	Do I look like a dick?

**Author's Note:**

> Aka what if Harry was completely ooc and acted like in a stupid joke I made when I was high on Hartwin  
> Many thanks to https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko_wa/pseuds/Lady%20Mephistopheles (sorry I don't know how links work) for being my beta. I also thank my other betas from tumblr (I'm not sure if you want links to your tumblrs here, I'll edit it later if you want)

Everything was in a kind of a blur. Eggsy told himself it was just nervousness before the most terrifying event of his life.

No, the most beautiful. Of course.

It just happened, like, too quickly. There was this tedious affair with the target at the Festival, then the abandonment, and fear of loneliness, and there he was, in front of the altar. Well, not exactly, not yet. The person in front of him was his best friend, Harry, one of the people closest to him. Almost magically returned from the dead, a bit older, but positively glowing (Eggsy needed to get himself such a suit) and looking affectionately at his younger companion. Unwin was beyond grateful for his support and for being here, for being alive. He wanted to hug him, to feel that he was flesh and blood, and that it was not one of the nightmares Eggsy had been having after that massacre... Gary blinked. His mind was getting off track. That’s why he asked:

'Do I look like a dick?'

He needed a distraction. And he got one, most effectively.

' I love dicks'.

...What?

If the world was a blur before, then now Eggsy could barely see anything. For a second he thought he was losing consciousness. But after a second he was back in the reality, just to witness the hell break loose. 

He himself was close to breaking out with laughter, this response was so ridiculous, but then he looked at the older man. Harry looked... destroyed. Pure shock, disbelief at his own words, then face crumbling into pieces, fear, shame.

The younger man should’ve, perhaps, been more delicate, but all he managed to utter was:

' What?!'

It was the first time, probably, that Eggsy saw Harry left speechless. But Unwin wasn’t going to let the silence prolong. Besides, it was just ridiculous.

'You... you said you had never been in love?! That you hadn’t thought of anything when you were dying? What in the fuckin’ hell?'

Harry tried to avoid eye contact, but finally gave up and looked at his friend. He spoke in a quiet, shaking voice, so unlike the one he used when he lectured or trained Eggsy.

' I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, this is unforgivable, at your wedding day..'.

Eggsy calmed down a bit, seeing his mentor this broken and lost. He spoke calmer this time:

'No, stop, stop blaming yourself, sorry, I’m just, you know, it’s hella weird, what kind of confession was that?'

Harry seemed to have regained some of his composure. He replied:

' It doesn’t matter. You are getting married, in fact in a few minutes, let’s leave this matter for a later time...'

' I, I can’t just go out there and marry Tilde after you told me something like this!'

'Why not?'

This question made Eggsy stop (as he realized, he was pacing nervously around the room). Exactly, why? Yeah, his best friend and mentor just came out to him, but his fiancee, the woman he loved, was waiting for him in the next room. Harry was right, sure, yeah. Eggsy went to the door. He was reaching to open them, but hesitated. He couldn’t help himself. He looked at Harry, who was standing motionless, with a broken expression on his face. Are those tears?

Eggsy stopped dead in his tracks and turned completely towards Harry, who looked at him in confusion. The younger man didn’t let him speak, though, and started talking very fast.

'Wait, wait, oh my God. I realized why I can’t go in there, We have to cancel the wedding, shit, her dad is going to be so mad, he’s a fuckin’ king and it all must’ve cost...'

Harry looked as if he believed that Eggsy lost his mind.

'Eggsy, what are you talking about, why do you want to back out now? I told you, what I’ve said doesn’t matter...'

'And does it matter that I love you? And dicks too, just so you know?'

Now Harry looked even more shocked than before. He shook his head slowly and tried to speak, but nothing came out. Eggsy came to him, grabbed his arms and said, looking him in the eyes:

' I love you. I mean, I love her too, and you’ve been away, but haven’t you realized I had a massive crush on you before that crazy church shit? I was sure you knew!'

'What? I tried to be like a father to you...'

'Yeah, that’s why I tried to act like your son,’cause I thought you didn’t want me.'

'But, Eggsy, I’m an old man, and you have a chance to marry a beautiful woman from royalty...'

'Fuck royalty! Don’t tell the other Kingsmen. Or the Queen. But really, Tilde is great, but I would never miss the chance of being with you. Don’t you realize how badass you are? Suits are the best on both sexes, and still you’re the best looking person I’ve seen in one. You’re brave, fearless, but compassionate... No, you gotta be kidding me, shit, you’re blushing! Oh my God, wish others could’ve seen it. Or, maybe, you know, not, ‘cause your repu-'

Harry was tempted to say “fuck reputation”, but it would’ve been too much, so he just kissed Eggsy.

'What in the hell are you doing?'

Both men jumped from each other and looked at the door. It was open and a lot of people were standing in it and looking at them. At the front was a really pissed King of Sweden, held back by his wife and daughter.

' Dad, stop it!'

'Tilde, look what is going on here!'

'Yes, I see that, but are you planning to beat up Kingsmen?'

'If you want to fight by trial...' - Harry said, but Eggsy interrupted him.

' I’m so sorry, we shouldn’t have, I should’ve said something before, I’m so sorry, Tilde, but look, Harry have just came out to me, I had no idea he’s also interested, and I do love you, but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel this whole thing, sorry...'

'That’s ridiculous!' - Tilde’s father cut in again.

Tilde held up a hand and stared into space for a moment, furrowing her brow. Then she sighed and said:

' Well, I should’ve realized that man so amazing at anal sex must have other interests. And the way you talked about your friend... During the grieving I was almost sure that There’s not enough place in your heart for me, too. Guess I was right, since he came back... You know, this whole wedding was too rushed anyway. Dad, let’s call everything off. Please.'

Her father looked as if he was going to start arguing, but then looked at Harry and Eggsy, then sighed in exasperation and started walking away. Others followed. Eggsy shouted:

'Thank you so much, Tilde.'

She turned back, smiled and answered:

'Yeah, you owe me a big time' 

'My gratitude is endless, Princess.' - added Harry.

She waved her hand dismissively at them, smiled and walked away.

Soon, the church was empty. Eggsy and Harry also decided to go to the door. The older man asked:

' So, what do we do now?'

'Do you think Tilde will let me have the pug?'

'Well, I don’t know...'

'Yeah, I think she will, she is so good to me. Do you prefer my apartment or yours, though?'

'For what?'

'For exploring our love for each other and some specific anatomical parts.'

'Well then, yours. It’s closer.'


End file.
